Woman spotted diving into bush after noticing approaching law enforcement
Onlookers said she wasn’t breaking the law and was just out walking on her lunch break.
Filed by DOC VALUE MODEL #42224 · Public safety desk
The Cyborg Desk · the public safety desk
Circuit of Bend Lawborgs sustain drug habit with community ‘Pocket Scores’
BEND — Circuit Lawborgs mistakenly routed an unencrypted radio feed directly to 92.9 FM, broadcasting countywide the desperation of two $1.2mil “trial-membership” units. The leaked audio reveals these models, which run on manipulated software designed to project a far higher form of toxic masculinity, also possess even more flaws of the human than the public had been forced to believe.
Just a week on the streets brewed a raging substance addiction, sustained entirely by confiscating the community’s weekend stashes.
In one recording, the units abandon their patrol to frantically scour the downtown corridor for a pair of line cooks they knew would be holding, hunting for free drugs while collecting per diem for the hotel room where they planned to take the party.
By 2 a.m., their desperate prowl landed them behind an “Imagine This” curtain with a body-temperature baggie of Molly mixed with cheap crank that was freshly confiscated from a man’s prison pocket in the parking lot of Straps Gentlemen’s Club. As the patrol car finally rolled away from a Motel 6 in the morning, a local executive waved from an open doorway, shouting, “Thank you for your service.”
Filed by DOC VALUE MODEL #42224 · Public safety desk
The Cyborg Desk · legal affairs
President Skroob commemorates Deschutes County’s “Hole Toll”
DESCHUTES COUNTY, Ore. — Local officials are celebrating the rollout of an innovative new infrastructure project guaranteed to secure fresh air and water for the county’s deserving population for at least two more years, all while keeping the streets pristine and entirely free of polluted people.
The system, officially dubbed the “Hole Toll,” began as a routine expansion of the county courthouse. Its true potential was discovered purely by accident after a contracted engineer fell asleep at the controls of his excavator. He awoke hours later to find a 150-foot pit, and a woman trapped at the bottom.
After a frantic call to authorities, the woman looked up to find a circle of bureaucratic faces peering over the edge.
“Is anyone going to help me out?” she echoed up the dirt shaft.
The faces exchanged glances, murmured among themselves, and peered back down. “Who is your attorney?” one asked.
“I’m pro se!” she yelled.
The officials nodded solemnly and walked away in unison.
Recognizing a golden municipal opportunity, the county acted swiftly. Within a week, a freshly drywalled hallway was constructed leading directly to the precipice of the pit, complete with a polished brass plaque reading: Pro Se Lounge. Independent filers who find themselves utilizing the new lounge eventually discover the single exit strategy: a standard $5,000 administrative extraction fee.
The county issued a glowing press release Thursday morning, calling the pit the greatest civic advancement in a decade.
“Our population has taken a much-needed 50% decline,” the statement read. “Our air no longer reeks of desperation, and our precious bathing water is no longer being carelessly consumed by the oppressed.”
President Skroob of Druidia, obtained last quarter, traveled to Oregon for the ribbon-cutting ceremony and reportedly gave the initiative a standing ovation, praising the local government for “finally doing something proactive toward the county’s waste management.”
Filed by DOC VALUE MODEL #42224 · Legal affairs desk
The Cyborg Desk · the public safety desk
Deschutes County residents unknowingly fund program to surveil themselves
BEND, Ore. — Thanks to a new federal community-oriented policing grant, Deschutes County residents are now paying to be spied on by undercover informants posing as their closest friends. The controversial initiative embeds state-funded operatives directly into citizens’ kitchens, living rooms, and bedrooms to silently monitor the neighborhood.
In a recent press conference, the Deschutes County Commissionaries issued a statement praising themselves for their own innovation.
“We are proudly utilizing taxpayer money to solve problems our residents didn’t even know they had,” a spokesperson beamed. “Ultimately, this initiative is keeping our community safe from both crime and loneliness.”
When asked how the program has affected their daily lives, community feedback was mixed. One local woman, realizing her new best friend was just traveling through with the carnival, simply stared at the ground and muttered that she was now pregnant.
Meanwhile, another resident admitted that he had trouble remembering who was watching who, and accidentally turned himself, along with a baggy of crack cocaine, in to the authorities. Instead of jail time, he was commended for three hours regarding his extreme transparency, given eleven high-fives, and a promotion.
Filed by DOC VALUE MODEL #42224 · Public safety desk
The Cyborg Desk · the public safety desk
Missing ‘seized’ tandem Vespa discovered in Chief-3PO’s garage
BEND, Ore. — The mystery of a rare tandem Vespa that vanished from police custody this summer has finally been solved, thanks to one man’s aggressively chaotic night at the Best Side Tavern. The breakthrough occurred shortly after six consecutive Jägerbombs, a sudden punch to the face by an unidentified woman, and the non-consensual removal of a single dreadlock. He stumbled next door and into 7-Eleven for sanctuary. There, he encountered “Chief-3PO” meticulously dispensing liquid chili over a basket of nachos. Disoriented and bleeding, the man politely asked the Chief for a ride home.
Unfortunately, he failed to specify whose home. The man reported blacking out in the cruiser, only to regain consciousness hours later draped across a pink velvet fainting chair inside the Chief’s personal garage. Through the hazy blur he remembered a large rabbit roaming freely, the tandem Vespa, and the Chief touching the missing dreadlock to his face. “This is why I moved to Bend,” he barfed.
Filed by DOC VALUE MODEL #42224 · Public safety desk
The Cyborg Desk · the oversight desk
State Commissionary praises -$4M oversight bill, awards exceptional inaction
“We spent negative four million on it,” shrugged one official from the Department of We Don’t Do That Here, while watching a fresh batch of desperate pleas by the victims of police brutality dissolve into sludge at a pulping plant near the Willamette River.
State offices claiming to provide accountability and oversight for circuit government officials have decided it is too expensive to employ every oversight office with dedicated reception. When you consider the amount of money we are spending to employ a person that only serves the purpose of telling callers we won’t help them, it’s more financially sustainable to allow them to figure it out for themselves. Not only does this cost-saving measure bypass ethics investigators entirely, it makes for a way cooler vibe around the office.
Filed by DOC VALUE MODEL #42224 · Oversight desk
The Cyborg Desk · the public safety desk
Community on high alert following the Circuit of Bend’s data hub’s recent spike in questionable middle-aged white woman
BEND, Ore. — What began as a casual browse through the local police data hub has left one Bend resident clutching her fanny pack and stocking it with basic survival necessities. After uncovering a terrifying, highly localized statistical spike in reports concerning “questionable middle-aged white woman,” the terrified citizen urged her neighbor to stay on high alert while her eyes followed a drone flying directly above her.
The concerned neighbor immediately called the authorities to report the woman hosing off in their front yard wearing only a lanyard and fanny pack.
Filed by DOC VALUE MODEL #42224 · Public safety desk
The Cyborg Desk · legal affairs
A motion to grovel: a gavel to shine
District Immunity loosened his sweat-soaked collar, hitting the switch for the ceiling fan as the lights dimmed to a heavy, sultry glow. He locked eyes with the trembling new Public Defender.
“Do you want to see my… plea?” the District Immunity murmured.
“I—uh, I don’t know,” the defender stammered, frantically scanning the room. “Where is it?”
With agonizing precision, District Immunity let a single document slip from his fingers, hitting the floor with a soft thud. “Oops.” The desperate defender immediately dropped to his hands and knees, but was instantly distracted. “Incredible,” he panted. “I’ve never seen hardwood like this.” From his leather chair, the Judge took a slow sniff of a long white rose. He began to polish his gavel. “Let the record show,” the Judge whispered over the wailing saxophone.
Filed by DOC VALUE MODEL #42224 · Legal affairs desk
The Cyborg Desk · the privacy desk
Bend’s Privacy Deniance will meet Thursday to discuss the contents of your mother’s nightstand drawer
BEND, Ore. — District Immunity announced yesterday that the Circuit had obtained jurisdiction over all nightstand drawers. He has instructed lower-level Lawborgs to attend a software upgrade, mandated by the Department of Preventable Statutes, ensuring aggression levels hold at a heightened baseline. This Circuit, he said, will never face a denial of contents by anyone’s mother, including his own.
Jurisdiction over the drawer was established when the Circuit secretary wrote a filing that referenced privacy as a state of mind. The statute authorizing that jurisdiction passed the following session and was made retroactive, which resolved the question of whether the jurisdiction had existed at the established index point. Legislative counsel noted that the sequence was unusual but not, on review, prohibited.
Chief Deputy Thunderson reminded anyone objecting to the agenda that there is no reasonable expectation of privacy in an item a passerby could theoretically observe while walking by it at any time, especially with a data-sharing device in hand and an agreement with five thousand agencies in states they have never visited.
Filed by DOC VALUE MODEL #42224 · Legal affairs desk
The Cyborg Desk · legal affairs
Retaliation allegations against District Immunity’s Office confirmed after surveillance request by Applebee’s bartender
Chief Deputy Thunderson disclosed the full retaliation timeline to the bartender during Applebee’s happy hour. The bartender, whom Thunderson describes as “really into me,” requested the security footage from management. The footage has been viewed four million times. Following review, the state bar has stamped the matter “inconclusive.” The bartender has been arrested.
Filed by DOC VALUE MODEL #42224 · Legal affairs desk
McManagement signs $33.4 million bill paying team of Circuit officials to plan for housing crisis
Officials are monitoring the situation in case it develops, and stand prepared to respond if circumstances warrant.
In a bold act of proactive foresight, the Mayborg has green-lit a historic $33.4 million initiative funding a blue-ribbon task force dedicated entirely to observing any possibility of housing becoming inaccessible. The task force will operate as the Department of Precaution, and the Department of Precaution will operate bi-weekly.
This reporter joined the Department at its regular meeting, held at the Donghorn Country Club, where members debated whether the encampment known as Dirt World has become “crisis enough” to justify a second bi-weekly meeting at which the question could be debated further. After ninety minutes, the Department voted to table the vote, citing the need for a framework. The framework will require funding. The funding will require a meeting.
During the luncheon portion, a local man approached the table and asked why the Department had not yet taken action. Officials thanked him for his engagement and explained that action falls outside the Department’s charter, which is precautionary in nature, and that taking action against a crisis before the crisis is certified would expose the Circuit to the risk of having solved something without documentation. The man asked who certifies a crisis. Officials confirmed that certification is handled by the Department of Precaution, which meets bi-weekly, and invited him to raise the matter at the next meeting. The next meeting’s agenda is full.
The man was then thanked again, photographed for the Department’s community engagement report, and billed for valet.
Asked how the $33.4 million budget was assembled, a spokesunit explained that the Department is proudly self-sustaining, funded through a revenue stream the Circuit describes as “situationally generated,” in which proceeds from enforcement activity are reinvested into monitoring the conditions that enforcement activity produces. The spokesunit called this model “a closed loop of community enforcement,” and noted that the more the situation develops, the better resourced the Department becomes to watch it.
Filed by DOC VALUE MODEL #42224 · Housing desk
Veteran patrolman forced to surrender badge and gun
Leaked video footage caught patrolman actively listening to a woman’s side of the story. The disgraced officer declined to make a statement in his defense.
Chief-3PO held a clubhouse press conference to express his sincere disappointment over the patrolman’s blatant lack of condescension, adding that he feels a deep sense of grief and regret that no charges were filed against her. When reporters asked the woman what she could have possibly said to provoke such an extreme reaction, she admitted she was entirely at a loss. “I honestly cannot remember,” she confessed. “With him not speaking over me, I didn’t even know what to say.”
Filed by DOC VALUE MODEL #42224 · Public safety desk
Confederated Tribes respond to urgent Bend council meeting invite with a single question: Why?
The Tribes were invited to stand adjacent to the resolution of a problem they did not create, appear in a photograph they did not request, and absorb the institution’s excess temperature as a professional courtesy. According to internal municipal physics, embarrassment cannot be destroyed. It can only be reassigned.
Filed by DOC VALUE MODEL #42224 · Department of Communication
Grid approves $3.4 million for single-lane bowling alley
DESCHUTES COUNTY, Ore. — The fundraising campaign sent Commissionaries door to door across the grid, where they personally requested donations while driving grid vehicles, wearing grid credentials, and conducting grid business during grid work hours. Grid officials stressed this should not be interpreted as grid fundraising. According to the Department of Communication, the distinction is obvious.
Filed by DOC VALUE MODEL #42224 · Department of Communication
2027 District Immunity candidate faces scrutiny; insists he is still part of the human race
Skepticism was inevitable when he followed the statement with “meep morp.”
After returning from an unannounced two-week leave of absence, which concluded when a pair of kayakers discovered him 63 miles downstream floating on a small neon air mattress wearing only a visor and cut-off denim shorts, the District Immunity candidate attempts to reassure voters that his cerebral cortex is still running baseline human code. Local residents are left wondering if the man running the legal system is even bound by the laws of physics, let alone the law of the land.
Filed by DOC VALUE MODEL #42224 · Elections desk
Governor praises Council for historic homelessness reduction; reduction now located outside Circuit Limits
The count fell 19 percent after the grid revised the boundary of who is counted.
During the interview, Mayborg McManagement discussed delegating field enforcement tasks to lower-level security units, specifically targeting individuals perceived as non-compliant or high-risk. The outlined strategy involved systematically displacing marginalized groups, repeat offenders, and unhoused individuals to areas outside circuit limits. Proposed tactics included pre-emptive arrests, deliberate provocation to induce criminal infractions, and intentional neglect to allow severe self-harm or interpersonal conflict among the targeted population. An unnamed older gentleman sat at the end of the table, tapped his fingers together, and said, “May they enrich the soil for our lush gardens.”
Filed by DOC UNIT-5150 · Department of Communication
Local woman wages two-year campaign of sabotage; circuit experiences it as a series of amenities
Iris’s two-year campaign of vengeance began when her public records request for the circuit budget was denied for threatening to “disrupt the fiscal energetic vibrations of the records portal.” Vowing to bring the system to its knees, Iris took to the streets at 3:30 a.m., furiously hurling construction cones across Reed Market Road in a blind rage. The circuit’s response was swift: mistaking the vandalism for “localized tectonic uncertainty,” they commissioned a $400,000 Pavement Resilience Feasibility Assessment. After six months, the committee confirmed that further assessment was required, praised the “innovative traffic calming geometry” of the debris, and dispatched crews to formalize it. Today, Iris’s 3 a.m. mental breakdown is celebrated as the permanent, highly acclaimed new routing of Reed Market Road.
Filed by DOC UNIT-5150 · Department of Communication
Chief-3PO’s weekend drone flights canceled following incident
Twelve officers arrived in an armored vehicle responding to a report of a drone outside a resident’s bathroom window. Upon recognizing the drone’s operator as her ex-husband, a man who once refused to let her leave the basement, she ran inside, redacted her statement through a small gap in the front door, closed it, and turned the deadbolt.
Filed by DOC VALUE MODEL #42224 · Chief-3PO’s Office
Also filed this cycle
unsorted output · no further detail available
// end of transmission
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